


I'm Only Human

by LearningtoDanceintheRain



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Human by Christina Perri, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Songfic, This is trash, i own nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-04-23 08:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19147549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LearningtoDanceintheRain/pseuds/LearningtoDanceintheRain
Summary: Songfic based of Christina Perri's Human, probably gonna have multi chapters, I really don't know.





	1. I Can Bite My Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can turn it on  
> Be a good machine  
> I can hold the weight of worlds  
> If that’s what you need  
> Be your everything

Amy Santiago was a smart girl. A nice girl. A proper, kind, good girl. You could hear parents say to their children, "Oh, why don't you play with that Amy, she's such a sweet girl". Straight A's every term, top of her class, never tardy, always handed assignments in early, belongings spotless. Every teacher's favourite student. 

Jake Peralta was... not. He was the kid in the back of the class, locker in shambles, always eating something, late, C-'s and D+'s if he was lucky. He was nice, and funny, and other parents were always sweet on him, because he was ever so charming, but they never encouraged the relationship. 

Which was why, at the beginning of Junior year, Amy was debating between Yale and Princeton, and Jake was planning his life as a barista. But, they're both busy, it's the first day of school, and they have friends and classes, so even though they've known each other since preschool and they've always been friendly, their paths don't cross at all that first day. 

When Amy goes home, her mother is there. Amy was expecting that, they had plans to go to the movies and get mani pedis, have some girl time, a rare treat in a family of 10, 8 of which are males. But what she doesn't expect, is for Jake and his mother to be there. Her mother is fussing over Karen, who's eyes are red and puffy, while Jake is sitting on the loveseat staring blankly at the wall. 

"Mom?" Amy calls, confused. 

"Oh, Amy, honey, I'm so sorry, we're going to have to postpone our girl time. You know Jake, right? He and his mother are going to be staying here for a little while. Karen's going to have the guest room, and Jake can take David's old room. Do you mind getting it set up for him?" 

It's not a question, and Amy knows it. So she says of course, smiles, and leads to David's room, stopping to grab some fresh sheets. She should be used to their plans being cancelled by now, her mother is a busy woman. But she's not. She just wants... She reminds herself that it doesn't really matter she wants. Her parents provide for her, care for her, love her. But they do that for 8 kids, and they both have jobs. So it's only natural that they are very busy people. And Amy can tell her diary about her first day late. It's not the same, but it works just fine. (It really doesn't, but Amy refuses to admit that). 

 

She is snapped out of her own head when Jake speaks.

 

"I'm really sorry about this. It's just that my dad, well he's not a very faithful guy. And my mom finally decided that she'd had enough, and she left. But she won't sue him for the house, because she's afraid of losing me. It's only temporary."  
He seems like he's trying to convince himself. Amy smiles and reassures him that it's alright, she doesn't mind. She stops in front of a door, and walks into the room.  
"Give me just one second", she says. She makes the bed, and leaves him alone to get settled.


	2. I Can Fake A Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can fake a smile  
> I can force a laugh  
> I can dance and play the part  
> If that's what you ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mentions of self harm.

Jake was _freaking_ out. And he knew it wasn't his mom's fault. She deserved better, and had finally realized it, but she hadn't known where to go, and she knew Amy's mom from book club, and she was her only friend who had no relation with his father. So, Jake understood, really, he did. But... it was so _damn_ _hard_ living with the girl of his dreams.

 

Although, Jake did know that it was never going to happen. Amy was _beautiful,_ andsmart, and organized, and kind. But she barely noticed him. Sure, she was always friendly, always acknowledged him, but she would never like someone like him.

 

And now, after all this, he knew he would have to go to school and be the jokester, the class clown. Because that's all Jake Peralta is. He goofs off, and he probably won't go to college. He knows that, because everyone else knows it. Because no teacher is going to write him a letter of recommendation. Because, before he knew it was a choice, before he knew it was either or, Jake chose funny over smart.

 

But what Jake doesn't know, is that it shouldn't have been a choice. He shouldn't have had to choose between the two. All he knows is that they told him to, maybe not with words, but they told him to, in looks, looks that said, choose, pick one, it's one or the other. But what he doesn't know, is that, he didn't choose. They chose for him. He was a funny kid, so _they_ decided that he could never be smart, could never be _anything_. But what _they_ don't know is that when Jake goofed off, mixing different things in the sand, He was making formulas. He wanted to be a scientist. What _they_ don't know, is that it's not funny **_or_** smart.

 

But now, all Jake knows is that he is destined for a mediocre life, a minimum, not even living, wage job, probably no children, because he won't be able to provide for them, and probably no love, because who could ever love someone like him? Jake knows that the teachers never believe him when he says he knows the answer, that the science club told them they were full while putting up sign up sheets, that everyone looks at him with _this look_ , and he doesn't fully understand what it means, but that generally it causes him to go home and cry, because the world is fucked up, and sometimes he slits his wrists, because who wants him here anyway? And the blood makes him feel like maybe he's actually here, so he screams, because maybe if someone just _listened, just fucking listened,_ then... well he doesn't quite know what would happen, but he knows that maybe he would stop feeling so... so... so insignificant, invisible, incapable, unwanted, unloved. Because that's all he wants. To feel loved, and wanted. Believed in.

 

But he knows that Jake Peralta is worthy of any of that, so he puts on a smile, and goes to school, and becomes who everyone thinks he is.


	3. Your Words In My Head, Knives In My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I'm only human  
> And I bleed when I fall down  
> I'm only human  
> And I crash and I break down  
> Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
> You build me up and then I fall apart  
> 'Cause I'm only human, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self harm mentions

Amy sits up in bed, bleary, confused, and sleepy. She glances at her clock. 4:03 am. Why is she awake? Oh, that's right. She heard something, she remembers. Now, she hears it again. It's coming from Jake's room. It's their 9th night staying here, and Amy has already begun to notice things about Jake. How he is soft and warm in the early morning glow, walls of jokes not fully up yet. How he has an adorable, slow, dopey smile. She is becoming somewhat addicted to him, for lack of a better word. She can't stop looking at him, thinking about him, dreaming about him, imagining him. Late, late at night, in the dark of her own room, is when she imagines him the most. ~~His smile not so dopey anymore, looking up at her from between her thighs. Her fingers mimic the things she wishes he would do.~~ Just because she can't sleep, no other reason why. Not at all.

 

But tonight, there is a strange sound coming from his room. She get's out of bed and pulls on her robe, tiptoeing to his room. When she gets there, she creaks the door open. He's asleep, but he's muttering under his breath. He sounds panicked. He's panting, kicking. She taps him gently on the shoulder. Nothing.

"Jake. _Jake_." she whispers, shaking him.

He wakes up, snapping to a sitting position, examining his wrists and calves, before finally noticing Amy.

He stares at her in shock for a moment.

"Are you ok, Jake?"

He laughs it off, "I'm fine, I am superb." His voice is strained.

She looks at him quizzically. "You sure?"

Something in him snaps, and his face crumples.

He begins to cry. Hot, heavy tears rolling down his cheeks. Amy doesn't know what to do. She sits down on the bed, and let's him put his head on he shoulder.

  
Eventually, after sobs have wrecked his body, and his tear ducts are empty, he begins to talk to her. "So, I get nightmares. But they're weird. In them, I'm... I'm..." he mutters something incomprehensible under his breath. "Jake, I can't hear you"

"I cutmyself." He spits it out, as though the words were burning the inside of his mouth, and then he looks at her, face guarded, but she can see that he wants, _needs_ , her to listen, but he's used to people leaving, so he looks at her like if she does, if she leaves, it's cool, it's breezy.

But she doesn't go. She stays. She wraps her arms around him. And he tells her everything. He tells her about how when he was little, he wanted to be a scientist. How he loved science, but loved jokes, how he hadn't known he had to choose.

She tells him he didn't. That he could, _can_ , be both, and that that is what makes a true genius.

So he tells her about the looks, about how he doesn't tell his mom, because she has her own shit she's dealing with, and he doesn't want to,  _can't_ , be a burden. He tells her about the teachers and the clubs, the blood and the crying. He tells her that some days, he has to lock himself in his room just to keep himself away from the medicine cabinet. He tells her that he's sorry about all this, but most people don't fight, they assume that Jake "Joker" Peralta isn't capable of complex emotion.

 He shows her the scars. 

He glares at them as he does, hating them.

She tells him that scars don't make him ugly, scars make him human. She caresses them. 

He doesn't believe her. He won't for a while, and that's ok. But she'll tell him that everyday, and everyday he is a little closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not over yet. They're still just friends...


	4. Give You All I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can take so much  
> Till I've had enough

I cannot believe I did that. Why the hell did I do that? God, what's she gonna think of me now? I _freaking poured my heart out,_ like an idiot. What in the world was I thinking?

Ok, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking... I was thinking that she listened. That she stayed. That she asked. That this girl I am head over heels for believed that there was more to me than the goofball.

But what am I going to do? She was pretty great about it... But I know that no one as amazing as her will _ever_ like me.

She's so amazing. She's ridiculously smart, she's absolutely gorgeous, she's adorably grumpy in the mornings. Everything about her is so endearing, and adorable, just like her. A lot of people think she's an ice queen, but I don't think that knowing what you want and going after it makes you icy. She's driven. It's a great quality.

* * *

Verdict: He's adorable. He's this big, soft teddy bear. I can't stop thinking about him. And he's living here, right next to me. He's hilarious, but there's also so much more to him. He's a great friend, I've seen him stand up for Charles when people bully him, or for Rosa when people are homophobic assholes. Although, Rosa doesn't generally need him to.

And he's smart, he really is. I've started looking at him in math class, ~~he is soooo hot when he's focused~~ , no reason, just conducting a survey on the class. He always mouths the answer to himself, but never puts his hand up. I can tell, I've gotten pretty good at reading lips. ~~God, would I like to read his up close.~~

He's been avoiding me though. Since the other night. I think he regrets telling me everything. I was really glad he trusted me with that, but it's ok. It didn't change anything about how I feel about him. If anything, I felt closer to him. And I understand. Well, not exactly, but I can see why he might feel awkward.

It's because I'm Amy "Goody Two Shoes" Santiago. Everyone thinks I'm perfect. I can't remember the last time, excluding the time with Jake, that some one told me something that they didn't tell many people, that wasn't common knowledge. People say I'm intimidating. People assume that I'm going to be judgy, before they speak to me.

I guess I was just... hoping that Jake could see past that. But that's too much to expect from someone. To think that I was important enough to have people see me. I was being stupid. Nevermind.

I know that if I was important enough, than I could talk to my mom.


	5. I Can Dance And Play The Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can do it  
> I can do it  
> I'll get through it

I am not ok.

Is that enough progress? Admitting that? That I don't have to be the golden girl all the time?

I don't know. It feels a little like it is.

I had a... I had a day. And everything just went horribly wrong. And I actually asked my mom if she could talk. For the first time in years. And she said...

She said no.

Not _no_ exactly, but "Amy, honey, I'm sorry. I thought I raised you to be independent enough not to need me. You know I'm busy. I don't have time for teenage drama times seven. Is it crucial? Are you failing? If yes, then give me five minutes, I'll be right there. But if not... well, I'm sorry, Amy, honey, but... it's not important enough."

I'm not important enough.

_knock knock_

"Come in" I call out. My problems aren't important enough to disturb other people.

Jake walk in

"Hey," he says, stopping in the middle of the room. "I just wanted to let you know that me and my mom found a new place, and we'll be out of your hair by the end of this week. Thank you, so much. You have been an amazing host"

I've tuned out. Jake is _leaving._ The one good thing in my life right now is leaving. I don't know what to say. Logically, I know I'll still see him. But we didn't interact much before, why should we after.

I really don't know what came over me. I was scared. I was bombarded by memories, of Jake. Jake rubbing at his eyes, Jake brushing his teeth, Jake laughing, Jake smiling, Jake crying, Jake playing a board game with David, Jake drawing, just Jake every where.

So...

I lunge at him. And I kiss him

 

And then I burst into tears.


End file.
